just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
