woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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