So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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