remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
