I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
