just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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