apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You ruined the universe
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
