I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize