Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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