You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
