New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
