Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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