i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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