So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize