oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
