I am midnight drunk by noon
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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