At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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