i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
