My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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