I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
