Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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