Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
it glows. i had to have it.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
