She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
