if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
