My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you will always have a special place in my vag
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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