I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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