Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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