I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
