if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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