I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
