I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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