I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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