what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
