Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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