I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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