He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize