winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
