i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
