I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I skipped work to stalk him.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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