i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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