there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
