It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I came so hard my ears popped.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
