my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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