Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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