I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
