great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
