Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
