He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
