That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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