I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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