It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
