dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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