Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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