He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
