Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
