You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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