I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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