You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
