I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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