i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
