Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have post one night stand depression
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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