Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
